4 Tips for Blended Families

Blended families are becoming more and more popular. These families are those that are combined in marriage either because of a divorce or the loss of their previous spouse. These families face much different trials than other families. Here are 4 tips of how to do your best if you are in a blended family or if you may be soon. However, you never know what the future holds. You may get remarried or you may marry someone that already has children from a previous relationship.

#1- Accept the fact that it will take about 2 years to reach normalcy in your family.

You and the family have both undergone a big change in your family system. It will take time to get things going at a normal pace and to have a good routine with your new family.

#2- The biological parent does all the heavy discipline to their children.

This is really important. The step-parent should still take a role in discipline but not the heavy discipline. Disciplining comes after a lot of discussion with the biological parent of their ideas of disciplining their children. If the step-parent disciplines on the heavier issues, it may cause for disputes among the children and they may say things like; "What gives you the right to tell me what to do?" or "You're not my mom" or "You're not my dad" or "You don't know me". Hearing these things from your new children may be hurtful. It is so important you talk to your spouse about discipline and how you together want to raise your children.

#3- Step-parent's should take a role similar to a good Aunt or Uncle.

A good aunt or uncle does not let a child get away with whatever they want. They are supportive and interested in their niece/ nephew. They also want what is best for that child. A good aunt/uncle does not discipline a child harshly just as a step-parent should not (as discussed in tip #2).

#4- Parents need to have more closed door discussions.

I touched on this tip briefly in tip #2. Because of the blended family, the couple needs to talk a lot more behind closed doors than other couples do. Being in a blended family calls for more discussion concerning the children and combining of families and parenting styles. It is helpful to communicate and be on the same page as your spouse- and of course this goes for any relationship.

Blended families are unique! And they can be great! I personally have not been in a blended family but my professor married for the first time a woman who was divorced and had two sons. He said that he is so blessed and so lucky to have those boys as his own and to help be their father. Here is a music video that helps see the joys of blended families. Make sure you have the tissues ready!

Brad Paisley - He Didn't Have To Be

3 Types of Parenting Styles

Authoritarian

This type of parent can be described as controlling, demanding, regulating, and put their child down rather than builds them up. A good example of this is the mother in Tangled. No, not the queen but the old lady- her kidnapper. Take a look here! You can tell she has all of these qualities.






Permissive

This type of parent is not strict with rules, inconsistent, they love their children very much, and they are more concerned about being their child's friend rather than their parent. An example of this would be the father of Veruca Salt in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. Watch this example here! You can tell he let's his daughter walk all over him but he loves her so much he will give in to her every demand.

Authoritative 

The last parenting style I want to talk about is the Authoritative. This sounds very similar to Authoritarian. How I keep them straight is authoritatiVe has a V and so does loVe! Authoritative parents are active parents. They give their child choices. They encourage their child to develop traits such as courage, respect, and responsibility. An example of an authoritative parent would be like Raymond in this episode of Everybody Loves Raymond. Click here to watch it. You can tell Authoritative parenting is not always easy. It sometimes is not what we are used to. Raymond and his wife, Debra, try to use active listening which is part of being an authoritative parent. Debra has a hard time applying this and was using more authoritarian approaches. Raymond learned a lot about authoritative parenting from the parenting class they attended.

Could you tell the difference in the three clips? What parent are you most like? What parent do you want to be like? 

Here is a link to a quiz you can take to see what your parenting style is! 

All Work and No Play

In our society today, we tend to be so focused on working and earning money. Ever since the Industrial Revolution families have spent more and more time apart due to jobs and school. This is not a bad thing at all! Education and work are very important for individuals, society, and the community. However, time apart can damage families.

Back before the industrial revolution, many families would work daily together to provide the necessities for living. This provided better opportunities to create together, cooperate, connect and contribute to the family. Now we have many families that hardly see their children because they have to work.

There are some benefits to having a dual income household but there are also a lot of costs that come with a dual income household as well. Here is a list of pros and cons:

Benefits of a Dual-Income Household:     

• Both have a sense of contributing
• Both feel useful
• Avoid boredom
• Live comfortably
• More money in case of emergencies
• Pay for children to participate in more activities
• Leisure money
• Savings
• Satisfaction of working
• Insurance benefits

Costs of a Dual-Income Household

• Double the transportation costs
• Less time with spouse and children
• Away from home more
• Eat out more
• Competing schedules
• Family role confusion
• Less time to talk about spending and budget
• Make unnecessary purchases because you think you can afford it
• Child care costs
• Less of an influence on your children
• Failure to convey importance of marriage and family values

In some cases the dual-income families spend more money having a second income then they would with only one because of the extra costs of transportation and child care. Granted, there are some families who can make it work with a dual-income. They

plan time for one of the parents to be home with the children or only when when the children are in school. Or even they can work off and on from home. What the important thing to remember is that spending time as a family and working together is so important. It helps to build and strengthen family relationships. As The Family: A Proclamation to the World states, "Happiness in family life is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ. Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities." There needs to be a balance in all things we do.

The Essence of Communication

आप शानदार विचारों के हो सकते हैं, लेकिन आप उन्हें भर में प्राप्त नहीं कर सकते हैं, तो अपने विचारों को कहीं भी नहीं मिलेगा।

Isn't that such a great statement! It is so true! 

How many of you just tried to google translate that? See communication is so important. The great thing is we have translators to help us with foreign languages. But what if our spouses language is foreign to us? What about your roommate? Boyfriend? Girlfriend? Best friend? Is there a translator for that? Generally no. Last time I checked, people don't come with instruction manuals. 

So for all those just dying to know what that says or even what language it is, fret no longer. It's Hindi for "You can have brilliant ideas, but if you can't get them across, your ideas won't get you anywhere" by Lee Lacocca.

Communication is key in our lives. However, only some of our communication comes from the words we use. The majority of how we communicate is in our tone and body language. So let's think, what is the primary way you communicate with others? Do you talk to people face to face, call them on the phone, email, text, skype? There are so many ways we can communicate and sadly most people choose texting.  Now why would this be a problem? Well, as I just said only a small amount of our communication comes from the words we use. In texts you don't see people's body language or hear their tone. Sure there are emojis and exclamation marks and question marks but what good does that do? A little bit yes, but in the long run not much compared to face to face talking. 

It's important to communicate with those around you, especially a significant other. No one person is the same. No one has the exact same views and ideas and personality. This is what makes communicating so interesting. As you talk to others and get to know them then your perspective can widen by what they know and believe. You can see more on the horizon in a way. Hold your finger up in front of you, now close one eye, now switch eyes. What happened to your finger? It moved right!? When you look at your finger, you are seeing two different images. Your brain makes it into one and you are able to tell perception and distance where your finger is. This is just like different perspectives. If you have more than one view on something you are able to see a better and bigger picture than being one sided. 

Now take note in the next couple days how you communicate. What source do you generally use? Text, call, face to face? What would you prefer people to use to communicate with you?  How is the communication in your relationships? How is the communication in the environment around you? When I go on campus I cannot tell you how many people I see on their phones. (On most days I am one of them.) But, I can tell you that communication is huge for me. I can be quite a talker and I really do enjoy being able to hold a good conversation with someone about meaningful things. Communication is vital to our lives. 

Why Do Bad Things Happen to Good People?

Why do bad things happen to good people? This question has been asked by millions of individuals. What is the purpose of trials? Is there even a purpose to having trials?

Think back in your life. What was the biggest trial you have faced? It could be a job loss, or the loss of a loved one. It could be a trial of faith or a trial that came about from a bad choice you or someone else made. Trials or crisis happen in life. No one is immune to these things. If you are a good person or a bad person or even a mediocre person, trials will come about. 

Take a look at the chinese symbol for crisis. The two symbols that make up crisis are danger and opportunity. I find this outstanding! Crisis and trials are a time of danger and also times of opportunities. For example: a trial of your faith. It is a danger because you may potentially lose your faith but it is an opportunity because you can grow closer to God.

Let's go back to the first question: Why do bad things happen to good people? Trials are a part of life. They are necessary. Not only are they necessary to help us grow and learn but as we go through trials we are able to help others that are going through similar trials. Also, if we didn't have trials or bad times, we would have nothing to compare the good times with. 

Often times, people see trials as a punishment. Like "What did I do to deserve this?" But this is not true. Trials are not punishment. Sometimes they come because of other's poor choices. We all have agency to choose.  

Growing during trials is almost inevitable. There are many opportunities to grow during trials. One of the main things we can do is grow more in humility and understanding. Trials are great learning experiences because we would never otherwise choose to put ourselves in those situations. I would never choose to watch my mother struggle with her MS or choose for my dad to be away for long periods of time while I was in high school. But because of those trials and those difficulties I have learned so much- and those are minor things. 

Overall, trials are a normal part of life. We are all subject to difficulties but it is how we respond to our trials that helps us get the most out of them. Look back at the biggest trial you have faced in your life. Did you learn from it? I bet anything your answer is yes. I know I learned so much from my biggest trial that I would not like to go through that trial again but I am so thankful for the things that I learned from that trial. I would not give that up for anything. I'm sure you can feel similarly to that and if not go back and think about those things you have learned and ask yourself, "Would I have learned those things any other way?" 

4 Types of Affairs

We see affairs all over the media. In the tabloids, our favorite tv shows, popular movies. However, only about 21% of married men and 14% of married women have affairs. During the last 20 years these percentages have stayed around the same point. The reason why we see so much of affairs is because it creates good drama! And drama is entertaining.

There are four types of affairs. Some people may not even consider some of these types affairs. Most of the time when we think of someone having an affair it means that that person slept with someone other than their spouse. This is only one type of an affair. 

Here are the four types:

1. Fantasy

2. Visual

3. Romantic

4. Sexual

Fantasy affairs are emotionally detached. An example of this would be flirting with someone online. Maybe an old flame from the past. Even fantasizing about someone romantically who isn't your spouse. So for all you married people stop fantasizing about Channing Tatum no matter how chiseled his face is! 

Visual affairs are physically detached. The most common form of this affair is pornography. Recently, Cosmopolitan came out with an article titled 8 Reasons Porn Does Not Make Him a Cheater. This is false! Pornography is destroying! Is destroys a person on so many levels! The effects of pornography are objectification, overemphasis on the visual, overemphasis and desensitization of sec and instant gratification and instant solutions. Pornography is not real! It not only hurts the person who views it but it hurts their loved ones-spouse, children, and friends. 

The third type of affairs is a romantic affair. This is emotionally attached. This can happen between two coworkers as they drive together to places and talk about personal things. They begin to become attached to the other person and that attachment can lead to inappropriate feelings. That is why it is so important for married couples to never be alone with someone of the opposite sex. Wether it's a work lunch, carpooling, or just getting together with an old friend. As people share their values and aspirations it can lead to feelings of attachment to that words on where the only person a married person should be attached to is their spouse. 

The last type of affairs is sexual. This is physically attached. This is the affair that we all think of first. 

If someone does have an affair their is hope. The couple TOGETHER can get help from marriage and family therapists or ecclesiastical leaders. I stress the together part because if an individual goes to a therapist then the spouse will feel threatened and those relationships are more likely to end in divorce than those who don't get any help. All things should be done is the companionship. Most couples who choose to work through these problems together come out of it having a stronger marriage than before. Marriage and family is so important that we must do all we can to help families stay together. 

Anxiously Engaged

Getting engaged is such an exciting time of life! You begin to plan the rest of your life with the person you love and you get to plan a wedding and tell all our friends and family the big news! There is so much to do and so much to plan and all of it is so exciting! The bride needs to find a dress, the groom a tux, pick out colors, pick when and where you'll be married, find a cake, get engagement pictures, (get tons of ideas from Pinterest for all of this of course!) plan a honeymoon, find a place to live, make a wedding registry, and a million more things to do. Not only is this a very exciting time for the joyous couple but it is also a crucial part of how they will be together as a couple after they are married.

This part of the relationship helps couples learn how to make important decisions and work together. There are important things to talk about when you are engaged, a lot of the important topics should be discussed before the couple gets engaged so they know what to expect. (Here is a Value Survey the two of you can take to discuss important topics.)  It is important for the couple to plan the wedding and not the parents or other family members. Engagement is the time for a couple to bond more together and learn how to work as one and cleave to each other (Genises 2:24). Too often it becomes a time where the mother daughter relationship is strengthened when it should be the future husband and wife's relationship should be strengthened. This can also be a very stressful time. It is important to see how your significant other reacts to your stress and how you react to theirs. If couples are able to make good plans and decisions together this will in turn help with their first year of marriage where they will be making many adjustments and accommodations together as they learn to live with each other and support one another.

Marriage is such an exciting part of life and is a great learning experience for those involved. It is important to work together. Frequently, the fiance lets his future bride go with whatever plans she has been making since she was young and it becomes her wedding and her reception when it should be their wedding and their reception. It is important for the couple to be one in the decision making process and both have an opinion about the events to come.